Three Discipline Basics
By: Family First Staff
Non-negotiable
Discipline
The first step in
non-negotiable discipline is to set up consequences for
misbehavior in advance. Once those are in place explain the
consequences to your child so they know what to expect. Then, when
disobedience occurs, calmly relay the consequences. At that point,
don't negotiate consequences with your children.
A friend of mine
recently took a privilege away from his daughter for willful
disobedience. She lost the privilege of taking the car out Friday
night. Well, she wasn't going to take no for an answer and pleaded
with her parents to let her wash, wax and clean the car instead.
But, her parents stuck with their decision.
Establish clear,
non-negotiable consequences for misbehavior ahead of time—then
stick to them.
Private Discipline
Discipline is something
that should be handled in private. Think about how you would feel
if someone corrected you in front of other people. It's not a very
positive experience.
So, when your child
misbehaves, quietly acknowledge the misbehavior. Then, tell them
that their consequences will follow when you get home. If you feel
like you do need to address the issue right away, find a private
place and handle it there. Disciplining in private is really a
matter of respect. Even in moments of correction we need to treat
our children respectfully.
Now, an exception to
the above is correction with very young children, 5-years-old or
younger. Look at this example of a 4-year-old wanting his mother's
attention when she is talking to a friend.
Mom: So anyway, Beth,
the doctor said it would probably take her about a week to
recuperate and then… (Interrupted by her child)
Child: Mommy! I want to
ask you something! Mommy! Where's my dinosaur?
Mom: Excuse me Beth.
Son, you know that you're not supposed to interrupt people when
they're talking, don't you?
Child: Yes, Mommy.
Mom: Ok, then wait
quietly and I'll be right with you.
Even in this case, the
mother treated her son respectfully. She remained calm and spoke
to him kindly.
Calm Discipline
Have you ever heard it
said, "I was so angry, I couldn't see straight?" There's some
physiological truth to that statement. In his book, How to Assert
Yourself, Listen to Others and Resolve Conflicts, Dr. Robert
Bolton says, "Emotional arousal actually makes us different people
than who we are in moments of greater calmness. When we are angry
or fearful, our adrenalin flows faster and our strength increases
by about 20 percent."
That condition is ideal
for escaping danger, but it is not the best frame of mind for
calmly disciplining our children. Instead, it's best to wait until
the heat of the moment has passed. If you need to, physically
remove yourself from your child. Go into the next room if you have
to, and calm down. Take some deep breaths or pray. If you can't
physically get away, resolve to hold your words until you are
calmer. Then, clear your mind and review the consequences
available for the current misbehavior. Once you have calmed down,
share the consequences with your child.
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