The Lonely Marriage
By: Dr. Carolyn R. Kubiak
No one enters a marriage to be alone.
But a sense of loneliness can easily creep in without either
partner intending it to happen. Often, loneliness in the marriage
is a gradual process that can silently kill the very connection
that brought the couple together in the first place. It is like
carbon monoxide poisoning. You are unaware that the relationship
is slowly, painlessly dying.
This slow death is often the result of
dividing and conquering all of the tasks that are a necessary part
of getting through the day. The partners begin a marathon run.
Running from task-to-task; from work generated tasks to household
generated tasks to children generated tasks to family/friends
generated tasks. Time becomes a precious commodity. There is
little opportunity for the modern day couple to get individual
time, let alone set aside time for the couple to just enjoy being
a couple. The absence of time spent together to nurture what
anthropologists refer to as the couples “pair-bond”, contributes
to the partners gradually disconnecting from each other.
Marital research has shown that
loneliness in the marriage is the primary contributor to divorce
and extra-marital relationships. “Re-connecting emotionally” is
the most common goal identified by couples that want to strengthen
their marriage. I have often observed that the wife is surprised
that her husband has also independently identified this as his
primary goal for marriage counseling.
Since divorce statistics indicate that
the chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year
period is 67% and that half of all divorces occur in the first
seven years of marriage, it becomes worth the time and energy to
nurture that connection before the loneliness sets in and begins
to destroy the marriage.
To help maintain that emotional
connection and keep the marriage “alive” researcher, Dr. John
Gottman, suggests that you incorporate the following rituals of
into your day:
-
Partings – Do not go to work without
knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your spouse’s
day. {2min. per working day x 5 days = 10mins.}
-
Reunions – In the evening have a
“How was your day, dear conversation”. {20min. per working day x
5 days = 40 min.}
-
Appreciations – Find some way each
day to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation toward
your spouse. {5min. per day x 7 days = 35min.}
-
Affection – Kiss, hold and touch
each other. Play is good. Make sure to kiss each other before
going to sleep and follow the Ephesians’ rule:” Do not let the
sun set on your wrath.” {5min. per day x 7 days + 35min.}
-
Enhance your Love –- Set time aside
to have a marital date and think of questions to ask each other.
Occasionally use the date to discuss and resolve a marital
issue.
Dr. Gottman calls this exercise in
connecting, “The Magic Five Hours”. He calculates that it takes
only five hours a week to help stave off loneliness. Think of it
as “the couple’s generated task”.
Dr. Carolyn
R. Kubiak, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, maintains a private
practice in St. Petersburg specializing in Couples Therapy.
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