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Marital Conflict - Knots in the “Tie
That Binds”
By: Dr. Carolyn R. Kubiak
If marriage is “the tie that binds”
then marital conflicts are the knots in that “tie”. All couples
experience conflict from time to time. Researchers (Cook, J. et
al, 1995) have identified different marital styles - conflict
engagers and conflict avoiders.
Conflict engagers, once
they discover their differences, begin trying to persuade their
partner, each arguing for their own point of view. They give
reasons, disagree with one another's reasons and generally try to
influence each other. If feelings get hurt along the way, or if
the topic strays or the discussion becomes chaotic, they employ
tactics to de-escalate and re-focus back on to the topic. Finally,
they begin to negotiate and compromise. Essentially, the
conversation begins for conflict engagers where it ends for
conflict avoiders.
Conflict avoiders tend
to suppress problems and minimize their importance, but they do so
at some cost. There is evidence that the suppression of emotions
leads to physiological arousal (Gottman, J., 1999). Because of
this, it is possible that conflict avoiders may have somatic
health difficulties that result from living with unresolved
problems. They tend to psychologically withdraw from conflict by
speaking to their spouses less often, for shorter time periods,
and with fewer interruptions. They are not likely to express
their feelings, state opinions or give the spouse advice.
In a sense, their conversations are
like standoffs. They reach some understanding that they disagree,
but they do not explore the precise emotional nature of the
disparity, and they do not attempt to
persuade their partner of the validity
of their viewpoints. Often they propose solutions to the issue
that are quite nonspecific. For example, they may agree to ignore
their differences, or agree to be more like the other person, or
more often, let “time take its course.”
Among unhappily married couples in the
conflict avoiders group, these standoffs generate a great deal of
negative facial affect, which is not expressed verbally. This
unexpressed negative affect however, is still “read” by the
partner. Among the happily married couples in this group, these
standoffs end by deciding that the entire issue was not too
important in the whole picture, which includes a great deal of
positiveness and affection in their relationship.
Conflict engaging couples are more
affectively expressive of both positive and negative emotions than
are conflict-avoiding couples. Engagers are more interested in one
another’s conversation, laughed more, and displayed more joy than
avoiders. Researchers have concluded that conflict avoidance is
dysfunctional for the long-term course of marital satisfaction.
Confronting problems helps to regulate intimacy so it does not
decay and it serves to minimize emotional distance. Longitudinal
studies reveal that disagreement may be unpleasant in the short
run, but positive for the relationship in the long run!
Dr. Carolyn R. Kubiak, a Licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Clinical Sexologist,
maintains a private practice in St. Petersburg specializing in
Couples Therapy.
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