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No one enters a marriage to be alone.
But a sense of loneliness can easily creep in without either
partner intending it to happen. Often, loneliness in the marriage
is a gradual process that can silently kill the very connection
that brought the couple together in the first place. It is like
carbon monoxide poisoning. You are unaware that the relationship
is slowly, painlessly dying.
This slow death is often the result of dividing and conquering all
of the tasks that are a necessary part of getting through the day.
The partners begin a marathon run. Running from task-to-task; from
work generated tasks to household generated tasks to children
generated tasks to family/friends generated tasks. Time becomes a
precious commodity. There is little opportunity for the modern day
couple to get individual time, let alone set aside time for the
couple to just enjoy being a couple. The absence of time spent
together to nurture what anthropologists refer to as the couples
“pair-bond”, contributes to the partners gradually disconnecting
from each other.
Marital research has shown that loneliness in the marriage is the
primary contributor to divorce and extra-marital relationships.
“Re-connecting emotionally” is the most common goal identified by
couples that want to strengthen their marriage. I have often
observed that the wife is surprised that her husband has also
independently identified this as his primary goal for marriage
counseling.
Since divorce statistics indicate that the chance of a first
marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67% and
that half of all divorces occur in the first seven years of
marriage, it becomes worth the time and energy to nurture that
connection before the loneliness sets in and begins to destroy the
marriage.
To help maintain that emotional connection and keep the marriage
“alive” researcher, Dr. John Gottman, suggests that you
incorporate the following rituals of into your day:
¨ Partings – Do not go to work without
knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your spouse’s
day.
{2min. per working day x 5 days = 10mins.}
¨ Reunions – In the evening have a
“How was your day, dear conversation”.
{20min. per working day x 5 days = 40 min.}
¨ Appreciations – Find some way each day to genuinely communicate
affection and appreciation toward your spouse.
{5min. per day x 7 days = 35min.}
¨ Affection – Kiss, hold and touch each other. Play is good. Make
sure to kiss each other before going to sleep and follow the
Ephesians’ rule:” Do not let the sun set on your wrath.”
{5min. per day x 7 days + 35min.}
¨ Enhance your Love –- Set time aside to have a marital date and
think of questions to ask each other. Occasionally use the date to
discuss and resolve a marital issue.
Dr. Gottman calls this exercise in connecting, “The Magic Five
Hours”. He calculates that it takes only five hours a week to help
stave off loneliness. Think of it as “the couple’s generated
task”.
Dr. Carolyn R. Kubiak, a Licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist and Board Certified Clinical
Sexologist, maintains a private practice in St. Petersburg
specializing in Couples Therapy.
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