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By, Dr.
Carolyn R. Kubiak
One of the
most challenging events facing each new couple is the impending
birth of the first child. The couple is flooded with a host of
emotions including but not limited to: joy, excitement, and
trepidation. Little thought is given to how this event will impact
the dynamics of the couple relationship. Even if we could forewarn
the new couple, it would be difficult to integrate this
information before it is actually experienced. It would be akin to
describing the birth process itself. Only after you have
experienced childbirth do you truly understand it.
In recent years we have all become more aware of one possible
spill over effect of birth on the new mother, postpartum
depression. The so called “baby blues”. But a recent study by
Babytalk magazine has highlighted the effects that the “bundle of
joy” has on the relationship between the new parents. Nearly
15,000 of them weighed in and contributed to the findings.
Apparently mom is not the only one susceptible to the new baby
blues, so is the new dad! The study revealed that:
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Two out of three men said that
their wives pay less attention to them after the baby was born.
This is understandable due to the fact that the inexperienced
mother may be overwhelmed with all that needs to be done just to
care for this ultra-helpless new being. This creates a dilemma
for the new dad. Does he complain about the lack of attention or
otherwise busy himself with work-related or other tasks?
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The majority of the women now
feel more connected to their babies than to their husbands.
There is a built-in bonding hormone, oxytocin that is released
when mother holds, cuddles and feeds her baby. This contributes
to strengthening the connection between mother and baby and
works to ensure the infants very survival.
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The majority of the husbands
continue to feel more connected to their wife than to their
child. This does not mean that men do not connect to their
children; it just means that the process can take longer for
that connection to form. When baby gets older and bigger, baby
begins to talk, make movements toward and eventually play with
dad. All of these mutual activities enable the growth in the
bond between daddy and child. In the meanwhile his strongest
connection is to the tie that binds him to his wife. Care must
be taken to ensure that this connection remains securely in
tact.
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Half of the men (50%) reported
feeling sexually neglected by their wives and twenty percent
(20%) felt emotionally neglected also. This signals the
tremendous impact that childbirth has on men. A significant
number of husbands feel the lack of both physical and emotional
intimacy relative to their relationship with their wives.
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Three out of four women report
that they are too tired for sex after having a baby, but only
28% of dads felt that way. And there we have it! The dilemma
that presents itself to all new parents. How to maintain that
intimate connection in the face of low physical and psychic
energy.
A problem
waiting to be solved through mutual collaboration.
Dr. Carolyn R. Kubiak, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
and Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, maintains a private
practice in St. Petersburg specializing in Couples Therapy.
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