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Temper tantrums are a part of
growing up. As your child moves from babyhood to toddlerhood,
she learns at an extraordinary pace. She is literally learning
something new everyday. Unfortunately, her cognitive and
physical skills are often times not in sync. This leads to
frustration, which leads to temper tantrums.
Your toddler has tantrums for a
number of reasons. Her pants itch. The puzzle piece won’t fit.
You gave her milk when she wanted juice. Since they are still
learning to talk, toddlers have a hard time expressing their
needs. It is very frustrating for them to want something and not
be able to get it. This, coupled with their limited
problem-solving skills, leads to tantrums.
To parents, these emotional
outbursts often appear to have no rhyme or reason. Many times
they don’t. Many other times your adult reasoning stands in the
way. With good cause. When she takes of flying leap off the
stairs, you see broken bones and hospital visits. She sees
something else entirely. She sees an opportunity for fun. Fun
you are denying her and that is frustrating.
For most children, temper tantrums
ease off with maturity. Once their speaking and reasoning skills
improve, tantrums are no longer necessary. In the meantime, it
is important that parents establish a consistent way of dealing
with them. By doing this, you show your child the importance of
clear communication and emotional control.
Dealing with Temper Tantrums
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Cooler Heads Prevail. It is important that parents
remain calm in the midst of a tantrum. It goes without
saying; these episodes can be as frustrating for you as they
are for your child. But remaining in control of yourself and
your emotions sets a positive example. It shows your child
that you value calm communication and conflict resolution.
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Think Before You Act. There are many ways to handle
temper tantrums. Take a few seconds to evaluate the
situation before you decide on an action. You may be able to
distract your child. Replace a dangerous plaything or
activity with a safer one. Remove your child from a room or
group to escape over stimulation and calm down. Each temper
tantrum calls for its own action. Be sure to think it
through before you act. This can mean the difference between
soothing and escalating her frustration.
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Give Her Frustration a Nod. Acknowledge your child’s
frustration without condoning the tantrum. This validation
can have a soothing effect. Let her know that you understand
she is upset, but also let her know there is a better way of
handling it. Then when she calms down, give her those tools.
Show her better ways of expressing her wants and needs.
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The Talk. Do not try to talk or reason with your
child when she is in the throes of a tantrum. It does not
work. It also increases both your frustration levels. When
the temper tantrum has run its course, discuss her behavior.
Use this time to teach her positive ways to handle anger and
frustration. Give her phrases to use when asking for help
and sharing her emotions. In time, she will begin to express
her needs in a manner that is more productive and clear.
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Hold On. An out of control child can be a danger to
herself or others. If this is the case, calmly take your
child into your arms until the tantrum subsides. Speak to
her in a soothe voice. Acknowledge her anger and tell her
you will hold her until it passes. This approach is often
very comforting to children. The fact is, they don’t like to
be out of control. It scares them. It also makes them feel
more secure to know an adult is taking the situation in
hand.
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Head Them Off. By studying your child’s tantrums, you
may identify certain patterns. This can help you avoid some
trigger situations. Ask when and where do they occur? What
happens directly beforehand? Are specific people present?
Use this information to keep tantrums to a minimum. Also,
having a routine and reasonable limits helps children know
what to expect. When they know what to expect, they are less
likely to be taken off guard emotionally. In addition,
carefully monitor your child’s activities. Do not present
her with tasks that are above her skill level. This will
only lead to frustration, which leads to tantrums.
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Offer Comfort. Tantrums can take a toll on children.
Often, when it is over they are not even sure why they were
angry in the first place. Offer your child a warm hug and
some reassurance. Let them know you disapprove of tantrums,
but that you love them.
Dr. Caron B. Goode is the founder of
the Academy for Coaching Parents International, a training and
certification program for parent coaches. In addition to duties
with the academy, Goode is the founding editor of the website
InspiredParenting.net, and the author of eleven books, the
most recent of which is Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma,
which includes several chapters on he use of storytelling
strategies. For more information on The Academy for Coaching
Parents International or to sign up for academy announcements,
visit
www.acpi.biz .
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